From that skeptical elf, Occam: Santa Claus has been romanticized by everyone from Norman Rockwell to Coca-Cola to filmmakers the world over. We all have a general idea of what the “jolly old elf” is like, and I guess most of us assume a life of monogamy for the old fellow as part of this image. But I would argue that if he is like most men with power and financial resources (see: Woods, Tiger), that’s probably not the case. Consider: so far as we know he’s always been married to Mrs. Claus, and the internet tells us that he’s anywhere from 250 to 550 years old…that’s a long time to be climbing down just one chimney, if you get my snowdrift. Further, he’s been sneaking into the homes of women for a looong time, in that kinky, soft, alluring outfit; you can’t tell me that of all those homes there aren’t a few desperate housewives looking for some Christmas comfort, especially given that they may already fetishize him (84 percent of adult women have had Santa fantasies, according to the Holiday Organization of Romantic, Naughty, Yuletide Women). And judging by the feats attributed to him he apparently transcends time and space, so he wouldn’t have to worry too much about getting caught by Mrs. Claus (though the image of Mrs. Claus using a giant candy cane to smash out the back window of his sleigh is pretty funny).
But, perhaps I’m not giving enough credit to the fidelity of the women of the world. In fact, a recent report shows that evolutionarily, women may just inherently know that avoiding Santa and being faithful to their spouses helps them – specifically, this report says it helps them have healthier babies. A condition called pre-eclampsia (a pregnancy-induced hypertension), which results in an undersized full-term baby, was found to be less common in women who had long-term sexual relations exclusively with the biological father than in those who had been with their partner only for a short time. Women just know it’s not a good idea to hook up with a guy who is only going to show up once every 365 days…and one who demands, under threat of gift termination, post-coitus milk and cookies at that.
But, you argue, you saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe. (If you grew up in Occam’s house, you were told that that wasn’t really Santa but “Uncle Frank,” the guy from down the street who was often called to our house to fix stuff while Occam was shuffled off to play in the park, in a home where the frequency with which things broke while my dad was at work was quite remarkable, in hindsight.) But again, nubile women of the world have evolved to know that kissing strangers like Santa is a bad idea. British scientists recently determined that a virus that lives in saliva – and when introduced during a pregnancy can kill unborn babies or cause birth defects – can be rendered harmless….by kissing! If a woman kisses the the same male for six months prior to pregnancy, her immune system will build up a resistance to this virus. They know better. So are you sure you saw your mom and Santa smooch, or was it just whispering, which is what Occam was always told about those encounters with Uncle Frank.
Do most of the women in our lives out there pursue the route of Eartha Kitt, who in the song Santa Baby seemed to offer a heart-racing quid pro quo (in quaint 1950′s code, of course) to Kris Kringle, or, do they often control themselves in his presence, knowing it’s truly for the best? Do they really want to open his package, when the Consumer Product Safety Commission tells us that 6,000 Americans end up in the emergency room each year because of package-related injuries?
Occam’s suggestion – present the wife with egg nog heavily-laden with rum on Christmas Eve and she’ll be so fast asleep you’ll have nothing to worry about. (Occam’s wife’s suggestion: “Present the wife with earrings heavily-laden with diamonds on Christmas Eve and you’ll have nothing to worry about.”)
